Monday 27 June 2016

Introducing Hunter Edward Ray Jenkins & His Birth Story

We actually made it. We have him here and he is safe and he is healthy and he is all ours. Our beautiful rainbow baby. Hunter Edward Ray Jenkins, born at 7.07 pm on the 14th of June 2016, weighing 6lbs11oz at 37 weeks. I'm going to crack on straight away with his birth story...mainly because otherwise I'll be jabbering on about how amazing he is for years but also because he is currently napping and a newborn nap is more unpredictable than anything I've ever encountered before!

We received a phonecall at half past 8 on the 14th, inviting me in for my induction. After we showered and got all our bits together we finally left and made our way to the hospital, arriving at about 10.30. He kicked and wriggled the whole way, reassuring me he was fine. On arriving we were shown to a bed and met our first midwife. She was lovely (they all were) and she explained the induction process before listening to baby's heartbeat. That was the point that we discovered Freddie had gone so the midwife took her time and checked I was ready before setting it up. But there it was, loud and strong. After monitoring the heart rate for a while the midwife did an internal examination to see whether they were able to break my waters or whether a pessary should be inserted. It turned out that I was 1cm dilated but they weren't able to break my waters. I was secretly glad as everyone told me that it was really painful to have your waters broken and so in the pessary (or small teabag as the midwife called it) was popped in.

Within about half an hour, I could already begin to feel small and irregular contractions whilst I munched on my jacket potato (NHS food really ain't that bad you know!). They were still pretty tame at this point though and I was moved to another ward and met another midwife. I want to say her name was Jenny but I'm ashamed to admit I honestly can't remember. She told me she would be back at 6 to do another CTG and I was pretty much left to it apart from when I was given paracetamol at around 2. As the hours went past the contractions definitely stepped up a notch and I was writing in pain on my bed. I was also desperate for a wee but every time I went I was unable to go as it felt like something (I'm assuming the head) was blocking it. By the time it hit 6 I was frustrated and in agony and pretty much ready to scrap a natural birth and beg for an epidural. My midwife didn't show up till around 6.15 as it was so busy and I was nearly in tears. She could see I was in a lot of pain and said she would do an internal check after the CTG.

The CTG was set up and initially everything seemed dandy. But as soon as my next contraction hit, Mattie and I watched the heart rate drop...and not just a little bit. Initially we thought maybe the baby had moved position but it became pretty clear that wasn't the case. My midwife called for another midwife and told me to stay on my side. I remember the other midwife arriving and saying "oh". Before I knew it they told me I would have to go to delivery immediately and were talking about phoning various people. At this point I started balling and repeatedly saying "please don't let me lose this baby too". My midwife hugged me and told me it would be OK, she was going to make sure it would be. I realised then that I couldn't stress because baby was already struggling to I sucked it up and before I knew it I was being smashed through doors at an alarming speed to the delivery ward. I honestly felt like I was in an episode of Holby City or something!

From this point, things moved pretty quickly. I met another lovely midwife and she examined me and said I was already at 5cm...I was actually disappointed as I hoped he would be hanging out due to the sheer amount of pain I was in. She said she needed to break my waters and get our little man ASAP. I refused at first because I was so scared of the pain but she told me she really needed to so yet again I told myself to man up and gave her the go ahead. It actually didn't hurt at all, I have no idea why I made such a fuss. I was on the gas and air from this point so I was pretty out of it...I'm basically relying on what Mattie has told me.

The heart rate was still a bit of an issue...sometimes it was fine and then it would drop again. They inserted a drip to speed things up (Mattie said it was horrific and was a whopper needle). I just remember a lot of people appearing in the room and it felt like I had a small crowd all peering between my legs. They told me they needed to take blood from baby's head to check if he was getting oxygen. Again, I panicked and thought this meant he was going to be brain damaged. I heard someone shout out "he has lots of hair!" and Mattie was trying to cheer me up by saying "you hoped he would have hair didn't you" and I pretty much growled at him because my baby's hair was the least of my concerns at this time. The results came back that baby was fine but I was in so much pain and terrified something would go wrong. I think the midwives were stressing too...I imagine the pressure of delivering a healthy baby after a stillborn one would be pretty high and stressful. They were amazing though and constantly comforted and reassured me which was what I needed.

After about 20 minutes of my waters being broken I was pretty much done. I'd had been poked and prodded and I felt exhausted. When I heard someone say that I was going to be taken for a c-section, I felt total relief. Finally the pain would be over and I could have my baby. However, just as they were about to take me to be prepped for the c-section I heard myself annouce "you can't move me, he's coming now" and sure enough, in a shot his head was out and after another push I saw my baby. He didn't cry straight away but then he let out a little cry and he was lifted onto me. I was still wearing my topshop top I wore in, so much for my well planned birthing outfit! I remember saying "we did it Mattie, he's here" and he was. He was breathing he was alive and I got to look into his big, curious eyes with his long lashes.

By some miracle I needed no stitches and I was back on my feet instantly. Hunter was checked over by doctors due to him being early but he's absolutely fine, minus a tinge of jaundice. If anything, Mattie suffered the worst as he saw everything happen and has told me that I'm not allowed to have any more babies...HA!

I can't pretend it's been easy. I didn't sleep for the first 48 hours as I was terrified he would die in his sleep or when he was sleeping I would wake him because he looked just like Freddie. But it has gotten easier as we get to know each other. I am totally besotted and in love with him, he is totally gorgeous and such a good baby (so far anyway!). I can't imagine my life without him now. He will never replace Freddie but he has helped to heal us beyond belief. I finally feel like my life is complete again. Our beautiful rainbow baby, Hunter Jenkins.

*PS sorry about the poor written quality of this post...I've tried to rush it in between Hunter's naps which is no easy task, believe me*


Wednesday 1 June 2016

35 Week Update - Hello June

The 1st of June. We're nearly there. Where there is, I'm not entirely sure. It could be having another dead baby. Brutal but the only outcome I know. But, it could be having a living, breathing, healthy baby. Only time will tell, nothing can alter the result. All the wishing, praying and hoping change nothing and I wish I didn't know that, but I do. I've spent all year wishing, praying and hoping for Freddie back and it's done sweet f**k all. I hate that I've become this person but that's the reality of losing a child, there's only so much positive thinking I can muster up. The only reason I'm still here clinging on is that slight chance I might be able to mother a living child.

I could sit here any type about my usual "updates" on my physical and mental health but honestly, I'm not feeling up to it. Call me an ungrateful b*tch but I am tired. Not of this baby, not of this pregnancy but all the crap that comes with it. It is so hard to smile and feel upbeat when my back is in agony, my wisdom teeth are ripping through my gums and I'm having minimal sleep due to nightmares and being up every other hour to wee. Don't get me wrong, I love carrying my son in my body, I love feeling his kicks and punches and wriggles but it is hard. Having a baby after losing one is hard, it is so so very hard. 

Regardless, I'm going to drag myself through these last few days. I'm going to pack my hospital bags, I'm going to make up the crib, I'm going to make a birth plan and I'm going to focus on bringing baby H home. That's all I can do. I can't let myself be consumed by this negativity and anxiety because I know Freddie wouldn't want that. I know baby H wants me to believe in him so I will.