Friday 15 January 2016

The Dating Scan



Aaaand breathe. I made it, I survived a scan and I came out with the news we had only dreamed of 6 months ago. We are definitely having a baby, a baby that is so far healthy and has a strong, beating heart. Which at this point, is all we can ask for I suppose.

The pre-scan part was hard, I can't lie. We spent the day staying distracted...watching Lord Of The Flies, window shopping and having a meal before the oh-so-familiar drive to the hospital. I don't really remember the happy scans with Freddie there. I remember driving up there when we were seeing him for the last time before he was moved to the funeral home, closer to us. I tried not to think of that when we drove there this time but it still crept up on me like it always does.

In the waiting room I felt close to a panic attack. I felt angry too. I recognised one woman, she was a year or two above me at school...I could just about remember her name. She was irritating me, nattering away excitedly to her mum whilst her boyfriend sat bored on his phone. I wasn't angry at her as a person, just the fact that she could be so happy and carefree. I wanted that back. Instead I sat with a sick feeling, my heart racing and I whispered to Mattie that I wanted to leave. Luckily he didn't let me and reassured me, as always that it would be "fine".

Then before I knew it, there I was on the bed with that cold jelly on my stomach. All of a sudden a baby was on the screen. "Look, there's the little heartbeat" the sonographer announced before I even had a chance to worry. I noticed the baby looked far more developed than Freddie did at 12 weeks, in fact I thought it looked more like him at 20 weeks! I had to roll onto my side so we could check measurements and this baby was measuring at 15+2 weeks so a lot bigger than the 13 weeks they had written down. Mattie then asked "so is there any chance we can tell the sex then?". Luckily our sonographer was very accommodating and said she would have a cheeky look for us! I won't be saying what the result was until we've had it confirmed at the 20 week scan though...you know, just in case it changes!

After that was all done (our little peanut even waved goodbye!) we saw a midwife to go over the results. Everything was looking good so far and she booked me an appointment to see a consultant so we would be able to discuss the care plan for this baby and myself! I finally felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. We looked at the scan photos and laughed at the little snub nose (different to Freddie's button nose) and full pouty lips (the same as Freddie).

I've made it past the first trimester and I'm one step closer to meeting this little bubba. I have a long, anxious and uncertain road ahead but one thing I am sure of it that my heart is utterly full of love already.

Sunday 10 January 2016

Life Update And Thoughts Towards The Dating Scan

Life recently seems to be a mix of lows and highs. No in between, it's either an up or a down. But that's OK I guess. It makes a change from the constant downs and the dull bit in the middle if I'm being perfectly honest. It kind of adds an element of surprise into my life that I haven't had in a long time. When you're used to a constant routine of waking up, breakfast, walking the dog, tidying the house, waiting for Mattie to get home, cooking tea, sleeping and repeating anything that disrupts that seems kind of fun. Even if that something is an argument or going for chocolate cake with your friend you end up getting really excited by it. Maybe it's because it allows me to be distracted from the reality that my son is dead or maybe it's because it interferes with my monotonous routine I'm not sure. Either way, I'm kind of enjoying the unpredictability.

My pregnancy symptoms are starting to ease this week thankfully. By that, I mean I've stopped actually being sick but the sicky feeling is still going strong. It's usually set off by overpowering smells and things that look gross but I that'll probably last till the end of the pregnancy as was the case with Freddie. I'm also still dashing to the loo, desperate for a wee multiple times a day but I'm not too fussed because symptoms are healthy and it offers me the reassurance that I desperately need until I can feel this baba move regularly. My dating scan is next week, at which point I'll be 14 weeks...a little later than we were hoping for but it's only a minor issue and we will be bringing it up at the appointment. I can't help but feel nervous but I'm calm and trying to accept that there's nothing I can do that'll change the outcome. We're actually going to the theater in the afternoon, before the scan so I'm hoping it'll distract me from worrying.

I've also bought my first purchase for this baby, a blanket. It's similar to the one we wrapped Freddie in when he was born and I wanted this baby to have one too. I'm not sure why, I just felt somewhat compelled to get this baby a blanket. I think it's in case this one dies too (I know that sounds awful) but I just want something to wrap this baby in, to keep it warm. And if I'm lucky enough to take this little bean home, it'll be the blanket that covers little feet in the car seat on the way home. I haven't opened the package it came in though, I can't and won't until we've been to this scan. I know things can still go wrong even after a perfect scan but I'll feel a lot safer after it.

Hopefully next time I update my blog I'll be able to share a scan photo of a healthy little bean but I'm well aware this might not be the case. I'm hoping with all my heart that everything is fine and I'm able to see a strong heart beating away so that mine can finally begin to beat again too.

Saturday 2 January 2016

New Year And A New Outlook

I have mixed feelings towards 2016 as I'm sure many loss mums do. 2015 was a very hard year, I had to grow up a lot when I discovered I was pregnant and I had to grow up even more when Freddie died. But, in some ways it was also a happy year for me. I got to meet my beautiful baby boy. I spent 9 months building up a picture of him in my mind but I never thought he would be so very perfect. I could  talk for ages about how he looked but I'm sure I already have many times on here. I fell for Mattie on a much deeper level, I watched him become a father and that is truly one of the most special things I have ever witnessed. A large part of my guilt is feeling that I took that away from Mattie, the chance to father Freddie but really he still does father him but in a different way to most. We also moved house and welcomed Olive into our home, both very special events for us. Olive is essentially my surrogate child, a role she has thoroughly enjoyed as she is still a big baby and loves keeping us on our toes. It's also the year we found out that I'm pregnant with *hopefully* our rainbow baby. My 12 week (even though I'll be 14 weeks) scan is in two weeks and I am so hoping that this little peanut is here to stay with us.

I'm really hoping 2016 is kinder to us, I'm really rooting for it to be but only time will tell I suppose. I think that's how life is going to be for the next few months of pregnancy, holding my breath as we pass each stage. I don't want to live in fear though, so I've decided to write a few of my New Years Resolutions:


Believe in the positive even when faced with a negative
Be kinder to others, you never know what battle they may be facing
Try to relax more
Be more assertive for the baby and this pregnancy
Trust my instincts more
Moan less and be thankful more
Create and treasure memories