Tuesday 11 August 2015

Day-To-Day Life Without A Baby

"How are you getting on?". The most irritating question I receive on a daily basis. So much so I actually avoid going out to somewhere that I'll encounter people I know. It's not so much the question I hate, it's the answer I give. "Oh you know, as well as can be expected". The answer they all want to hear. No one wants to hear the reality. The truth. That I'm drowning in an all consuming wave of misery, anger, jealousy and guilt. I am so very miserable and quite frankly, I'm sick of having to lie about being OK.

Initially, everyone is "here for you". But you begin to notice people gradually disappearing from your life. They want the old you. The you that wants to go out and have fun, the you that comes to soft play with your children, the you that can spend hours gossiping or complaining about trivial things. But that isn't you. Having your baby ripped away from your life changes you. Completely and utterly. Mattie is the opposite, he works hard to reassure people he's the same old happy person but I can't do that. Why should I? Why should I try and convince people that I'm the same fun loving 20 year old woman I was before? It's ME that's gone through the pain and agony of losing a child, why should I have to alter myself to make other people feel more comfortable?

I started out trying to be brave and strong, telling people that "these things happen" but I've started to realise I was just prolonging the inevitable breakdown. It happened. I lashed out. I mean I totally lost it and went bat-shit cray. To cut a long story short (and to save my dignity) it ended with Mattie literally dragging me kicking and screaming and him forcing me into bed where I cried myself to sleep, weeping into Freddie's toy mouse. My family genuinely thought I'd lost it. and, momentarily I had. I cannot emphasise enough how important it is to let it all out. Write it down, shout at inanimate objects (avoid shouting at your partner, family or friends but if you do, they'll get over it. They understand) just for the love of God, don't pretend it's just one of those things. It isn't and it never will be. It shouldn't have happened to me, or to you. But it has and it fucking hurts. A lot.

So how am I "getting on"? Well, since my *ahem* breakdown, a lot better. If people ask, I tell them straight up how I am. Some people are uncomfortable and try to shuffle away with the look of regret on their faces. I probably won't see them again, they'll avoid eye contact and speaking to me again at all costs. And that's OK. Other people might surprise you though. By being honest, I've received some amazing advice, comforting words and I've got the support I needed to keep my shit together. I still cry, almost daily. I hate other people for taking home babies when I couldn't and I still ache for my baby, Freddie but I'm getting there. I will get there.




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