Sunday 19 July 2015

Freddie Richard Jenkins - 23/06/15

"I'm so sorry". I still remember the midwife saying those words as she gently patted my leg. My little baby boy's heart had stopped. Mine and Mattie's world was destroyed. Everything we had planned, dreamed and hoped for our son was gone in a matter of seconds when the midwife said those three words. It was and is so unexpected and the cruelest thing imaginable. I truly believe there is no worse feeling than losing your child.

It's nearly four weeks since our angel was born sleeping and I feel I'm finally ready to share my experience. A lot of you won't want to read this, it doesn't make for cheery reading but I really hope some of you do read this. I don't want to scare or deter anyone, I just want to share that day. I don't ever want to forget it. So here goes...

I woke at 3 am on Tuesday the 23rd of June 2015 desperate for a wee (nothing new there) but when I stood up I felt a faint popping sensation in my left hip. I shuffled to the loo and when I sat down a gush of water came out. It took me a few moments to wake up and realise my water's had broken, I felt Freddie wriggle and I ran in to our bedroom (towel between my legs to soak up the waters) and tugged at Mattie's arm. I felt in total shock as we didn't expect him to come early, I was booked in for a c-section two days later due to him being breech and my heart shaped womb. I phoned the hospital and they advised us to bring my hospital bags in and head over. We were going to have our baby!

At the hospital we were shown to my bed on the ward and a midwife came to measure the heartbeat. She kept moving it around and I waited to hear that comforting thump of his heart but nothing. Silence. I knew instantly he was gone. Only a couple of hours I'd had my pre-op checks and I laughed with the midwife about food shopping whilst we listened to Freddie's heart beating away. I began to cry as the midwife went to get someone to scan me. "He's gone Mattie" I whispered but he was confident it would be fine. We were taken to a new, private room and I was scanned. I didn't even look at the screen, I didn't want to see my dead baby. Then the 3 words came, "I'm so sorry". I don't even remember what they said after that. Mattie and I held each other and wept. I remember shouting "I'm so sorry, I've let everyone down" I felt like a total failure, and I still do at times. My body let my baby die.

Four hours flew by and before I knew it I was introduced to Chloe, the midwife that would deliver my baby. She told me I could have as much pain relief as I wanted and they would make me as comfortable as possible. She looked so young and if I'm being honest, terrified. I feel sorry for doubting her now because she was incredible. She kept me positive and explained everything fully to me, always making sure I understood what was happening. 

Skip forward a few more hours my contractions were getting strong but I still remained quiet as I felt they were still manageable and they weren't regular. Chloe prepared for me to be induced to speed the process along but as she did she discovered she could feel Freddie's foot and that I was already 8cm dilated. Another midwife confirmed this and I remember them asking if I could feel any pressure but I was fine, it hurt but it wasn't as bad as I imagined contractions to be. They then inserted a drip to regulate my contractions and bring them closer together (and my god they did). All of a sudden I felt something coming out of me (TMI I know, I know but what else would you expect from a birth story!) and I screamed at Mattie's mum to get the midwife. I remember her asking "shall I take a look" and me screaming "JUST GET THE MIDWIFE". Chloe came in and said it was his umbilical cord which confirmed that he died due to a prolapse of the cord. Something which only happens to 1 in 300 babies, unfortunately as he was breech it allowed a gap for the cord to fall through. When his leg came out the cord was actually wrapped around it. 

The birth itself was agony. When the contractions were spaced out it was bearable, just. I had time in-between each one to recover. But now they were coming one after another (I actually started to pretend they weren't coming so I had a break from pushing). I had my Dad holding my hand and arm one side and Mattie doing the same on the other. I remember looking up at them halfway through and both had tears in their eyes. It crushed me having to see the two strongest people in my life crying. It gave me the strength to get through the pain and give birth to my son, it was the least I could do for them and the least I could do for him.

After 45 minutes he was born and lifted on to my chest. I was given the skin to skin I longed for and my beautiful little boy. Part of me hoped he would still cry out, it was some terrible mistake but it never came. Just silence. We were left to be alone with our baby but I felt so weak he spent a lot of time cuddled with his Dad.

I feel totally empty without my baby. A part of me was taken and whereas normally that emptiness is replaced with a child, I have nothing. Just empty arms. All I'm left with is memories, beautiful and sad memories. I wanted to tell his story so that I don't forget and so people know how special and loved he was.

I love you Freddie Richard Jenkins. 7lbs 3oz.

5 comments:

  1. Absolutely heart breaking story made me cry but I could related to every single word you had written you are so brave to write down your story and I'm so sorry for the loss of your little boy Freddie .

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  2. Only just found your blog but I'm so glad I have. It really brings it all back reading somebody else's story and I'm sat here in tears. It is so wonderful that you are soon to have your rainbow baby, and it has given me hope. We lost our little boy Harrison in February this year and I am now on my 4th month trying to conceive again, reading all of your posts has helped me feel more positive and I can relate to everything you have written in your blog and how frustrating it is not getting anywhere as each month passes. Hopefully it will happen for me soon, but I just want to thank you for writing this for people like myself to read. Little Freddie will be there watching over you all the way. Lots of love and best wishes for your future, Sophie xxxx

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  3. I'm so sorry & thank you for sharing your story, so brave to do & no mother should have to go through this ,with tears I write this xxxx

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  4. I'm so sorry & thank you for sharing your story, so brave to do & no mother should have to go through this ,with tears I write this xxxx

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